Gila’s work is grounded, warm, and deeply respectful on each woman’s inner world. She offers not just guidance—but clarity, chizuk, and a path forward for the woman who wants to become her best, most authentic self in her marriage. Through mindset shifts, emotional insight, and practical tools, she helps women align with who they truly want to be—in marriage and in life.  

This episode was one I wasn’t sure I wanted to do to be totally honest. It covers a really vulnerable topic and one that isn’t often spoken about publicly. That being said, it’s an important one, one that affects every marriage and every woman in some way so when Gila reached out, I really thought it through and it felt like a good opportunity to delve into things a little more.

Because intimacy is such a private thing, it can be one women don’t really feel comfortable getting help on or seeking support if they need it and I’m hoping this episode will help break a little bit of that stigma.

In the episode we cover a lot — from what intimacy actually looks like in a Torah marriage — the mindset around it and the body-soul relationship to practical ways to achieve more connection to it if it’s something that’s hard for you. We speak about the differences between men and women in general and in this space that could be coming up and realistic expectations to have around its impact on your marriage.

This episode is nice because it is a blend of the spiritual and practical. Gila has so many more resources as well that she offers so if anything interests you, you can feel free to reach out to get more personal support.

For more from Gila, visit heartofmarriage.org or reach out to Gila at info@heartofmarriage.org.

Chana teaches down-to-earth strategies designed for women to get in touch with, and bring forth, their authentic and vulnerable feminine self through her coaching program, Absolutely Feminine.

She has become a beacon of light for women around the world who want to transform their relationships from a state of disconnect, frustration and lack of understanding to one of mutual respect, happiness, intimate communication and connection.

Chana is also the host of the popular With All Your Heart Interview Series: The Jewish Woman’s Path to Experiencing Joy and Fulfillment in Love where she speaks with other experts all about building new patterns and habits for greater connection in their relationships. She just launched this year’s series which is going on until May 30th — a new interview is sent out every day. If you want to check it out, you can visit withallyourheartseries.com.

In this interview, we speak about—

• How she ended up living in Israel and meeting her husband at 19
• What challenges came up and how she learned to work through them
• What a “normal” marriage actually means and entails
• If religious dating versus secular dating makes a difference in how the marriage ends up down the road
• What she offers in her “Absolutely Feminine” course
• A real life example and how she would guide someone through it
• How we can help our children develop the skills they need to succeed in and build a beautiful marriage of their own

…and so much more!

Get a free class from Chana all about creating a playful and passionate marriage. You can access it at chanadeutsch.com/passion.

Listen to Chana’s podcast on Spotify called: Coffee and Connection.

If you want to reach out to Chana, you can email her at absolutelyfeminine@gmail.com or Chana@absolutelyfeminine.com.

Thanks for listening!

Debbie just released a book (Secrets of a Connected Marriage — order here!) where she breaks down profound Jewish wisdom into tangible, succinct ways you can improve your marriage. You will become more connected to your spouse and turn more into the person you want to be in the process.

In this conversation, Debbie and I speak about:

• Why marriage is such a challenge
• How husbands and wives and grow closer to each other
• How to become a great woman, using your marriage to get you there
• How we can create a more positive culture in our homes
• How to bring Hashem into our lives and marriages more
• What we can learn from relationships in the Torah, like Avraham and Sarah

…and so much more!

If you would like to get in touch with Debbie after listening, you can reach out to her at Debgreenblatt@gmail.com or through her website, deardebbie.com.

Please leave a rating and review for the podcast and reach out if there’s anyone you’d like to see on! You can send a DM at @chaionlifemag or email at alex@chaionlifemag.com.

More about Debbie:

Debbie Greenblatt has been involved in teaching and counseling Jewish women for over thirty-five years. Mrs. Greenblatt lectures across the United States on topics that include Jewish texts, Jewish thought and relationships. 

For over thirty years, her weekly class in the works of Rabbi Dessler have served as an anchor in her own life and has changed the lives of many of those who have attended. She currently gives several Middos Vaadim that concentrate on character development. Her warm and personal approach to the women she encounters has many women seeking her counsel and insight on the Torah’s approach to their personal dilemmas.

Using the unique Torah based and practical approach that she developed to help people navigate the dating process, Debbie has been successfully coaching singles for over twenty years. Mrs. Greenblatt writes a column on relationships for a large Jewish Magazine, and is regularly asked to contribute essays to a variety of publications. She is the founder of the Women’s Division of Gateways, an outreach organization.

Debbie is the Director of Education for the Mentorship Training Program of Core, and organization that seeks to strengthen the fabric of the Jewish People by building the woman of klal Yisrael and the connections between them.

Debbie’s new book, Secrets of a Connected Marriage, published by Judaica Press, gives us a glimpse into the deeper Jewish perspectives that form the basis of successful marriage, with practical applications for the woman of today.

In this episode, we talk about:

• How Rivkah got into matchmaking
• How she made her first match
• How she organizes her matches
• The do’s and don’ts of working with a shadchan
• How often to reach out to a shadchan and what to say
• How Rivkah decides who to match up
• How to make the best first impression on your matchmaker
• How to ensure a matchmaker remembers you
• How the time we’re in has affected her job as a matchmaker
• How Rivkah met her husband and what you can learn from her story
• How to plan the perfect first date

If you want to reach out to Rivkah, you can WhatsApp her at 

516-666-2465. Send her a bio, a few photos of yourself and a dating resume if you have one.

If you have a guest you’d like to see on the Chai on Life podcast, email alex@chaionlifemag.com or send us a DM at @chaionlifemag. Thanks for listening!

Devorah is a dating coach and speaker from Passaic, New Jersey, who has made it her mission to ease that process for women. She’s guided close to 150 couples to the chuppah, going on to help them remain happily married afterward. “Once you get married, that’s when the work begins,” she says.

And that’s just one piece. This wife and mother of four frequently speaks at high schools, colleges and women’s events, discussing topics of interest to women, such as tzniut (modesty), hair covering, parenting and shalom bayit (peace in the home). Her personal passions and struggles permeate her talks; she likes to speak from true experience.

Her Own Journey

Devorah became more deeply connected to her Jewish roots later in life, when she started working in Manhattan after grad school. A baalat teshuvah (returnee to Judaism), she has been observant for 25 years and married to her husband for nearly 22 of them. The two are now a powerhouse couple at Emet, a kiruv (outreach) organization based in Queens. The family is known for hosting packed Shabbat meals in their home, for personally mentoring their many students and for teaching classes.

Students are drawn to the Kigels as if one of Devorah’s signature mini carrot muffins was dangling in front of them. But, like many great stories, what seems like an obvious match on the outside—the Kigels and kiruv—actually took a bit of maneuvering and some Divine Intervention to come to fruition.

The Kigels began their married life on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. Devorah’s husband, Reuven, was working on Wall Street, while she worked in the home, raising her baby with a second on the way. As someone constantly focused on growth, she looked around for Torah classes. While there were offerings, there was maybe only one given by a woman. 

“Women were not teaching at the majority of the outreach organizations I looked at, and certainly from my background, [as someone who used to think Judaism was sexist], I just felt like it was such a shame,” she explains. “But one day I started thinking—I believe it was the Lubavitcher Rebbe who said, ‘When you see something that needs perfecting, it’s Hashem telling you that you need to be a part of the perfecting process.’”

Divine Providence worked unbelievably fast after that. A few days after Devorah had that thought, she got a call from Jodi Samuels and Steve Eisenberg, two individuals she knew from the Upper West Side who were also the founders of the Jewish International Connection of New York (JICNY), a local kiruv organization for young Jewish professionals, asking her to teach a Torah class to women. 

“At first I was shocked. I couldn’t believe they wanted me to teach; I had been frum (religiously observant) for five minutes,” she says, laughing. “But also, it was hard not to get the message. I had been thinking about doing this literally days before. So, I said, ‘Okay Hashem, if this is what You have in mind, then let’s do it.’”

She decided to put together a series on hot-button women’s issues in Judaism, a passion point for her. This turned into a set of eight classes on dating, marriage, prayer, the mechitza (the dividing barrier between men and women at synagogues) and a woman’s role in Judaism, to name a few. The planning took time, persistence and hard work. “I spent about 15-20 hours on each class,” she says. “It took a very, very long time.” But it paid off—Devorah taught the series once a year at JICNY for several years thereafter and it jumpstarted her career as a speaker and educator.

The Turning Point

“People would tell my husband all the time that he would be such a great kiruv rabbi,” Devorah says. “We thought it was ridiculous, though, because he had a lucrative Wall Street trading job and kiruv rabbis were a dime a dozen. We decided to put our energy into my teaching instead, since there were far fewer female speakers.”

However, about a month after the Kigels moved into a new apartment on the Upper West Side, Rabbi Kigel’s Wall Street job essentially disappeared. He needed to pivot and look for something new. He began trying out other industries, like commercial real estate and mortgages, but nothing took off. “Hashem turned the spigot of parnassa (income) firmly to the off position for about five years,” Devorah shares.

About a year and a half after Reuven left Wall Street, the Kigels exhausted their savings. They needed to move out of pricey Manhattan and were looking toward Passaic, a growing frum community in New Jersey. “We left New York City kicking and screaming,” Devorah says. “It was a painful time.”

The Kigels were an Upper West Side staple, often hosting Shabbat meals there, and Devorah was nervous no one would come to the suburbs. Thankfully, one of her mentors gave her some loving—but firm—reassurance: “Devorah,” she said, “do you think Hashem is firing you? He can do anything. You don’t think He can bring Shabbat guests to New Jersey?”

Devorah looks back at her erroneous thinking with humor. “The joke is that now, at least before coronavirus hit, we were having between 10 and 60 guests every Shabbat,” she says. “Our brains are limited, so sometimes we limit Hashem.”

Shortly after the Kigels got to Passaic, her husband joined the local kollel (a Talmudic study framework for married men). Learning there for a year and a half while working gave him more tools to transition to a rabbinic job. Then, through one of their Shabbat guests, he heard about a position with Emet, a Jewish outreach organization. 

It was complicated, though; Devorah had given birth to her fourth child nine months earlier. At the interview, her husband learned that he would need to be out of the house doing on-campus programs in Queens and Manhattan two to three nights a week. 

With four kids under seven at the time, he thought such a role would be impossible and turned down the opportunity. One of their rabbis then discussed this with Devorah, explaining that in their particular situation*, her husband would need to be out of the house from AM to PM anyway in order for the parnassa to kick in. “At that point, we were in such a desperate place, I just said, ‘Naaseh v’nishma’ (we will do and we will hear),” she says. “I was willing do anything, even though I knew it would be extremely difficult.”

Luckily, the job was still available, and Reuven took it. “Now, 13 years later, he is truly one of the most successful kiruv rabbis in the United States,” Devorah says. “It’s amazing to think we almost missed this.”

Finding Her Mission

As the Kigel kids grew, Devorah’s career did as well. She prioritized parenting when her children were young, staying home to raise them for over a decade. “I always say you can do it all, just not all at the same time,” she says. So, when her youngest started school, she finally had some free time to focus elsewhere. Devorah decided to use those hours to develop a dating coaching business, in addition to expanding her speaking engagement opportunities. 

“I thought about what my skill set was and how I could help Jewish women,” she explains. “Dating can be really challenging, so I wanted to help women navigate the process, which can be quite painful and grueling. Men don’t always treat women with respect and dignity. I wanted to show women they can be assertive and still feminine.”

Devorah doesn’t limit her services to the religiously observant. She coaches women all across the spectrum—secular, traditional, Modern Orthodox, yeshivish, Ashkenazi, Sephardi, and from all ages and places, including Israel, Argentina and France.

She speaks to women after dates, of course, but Devorah also makes herself available to them as a bit of a crisis hotline. “I’ve had two people call me from the bathroom on dates,” she shares. “They needed to know how to end things—quickly.”

She also teaches kallahs (brides) and helps her clients through marriage coaching on the other end as well. “I’m really a one-stop shop,” she says.

When it comes to speaking, she continues to teach topics she’s passionate about—always those she’s struggled with herself, so she can speak from the heart, share her own funny stories and be relatable to women from all backgrounds.

Following in Her Footsteps

Devorah’s suggested prerequisite for getting into dating coaching is to be happily married yourself for at least 10 years. Shana rishona (the first year of marriage) is when you’re building your foundation. But when she was in year six, a rabbi told the Kigels that, really, shana rishona lasts 10 years. “Now that I’ve been married almost 22 years, I’m in total agreement,” she says. “The first 10 years, we were adjusting to each other, figuring out what works and what doesn’t, avoiding landmines and really understanding what marriage is about.”

Once you’ve passed that benchmark, she says to read a lot of books, go through your personal dating experiences and pull out some key takeaways, and then get trained. Devorah was trained by Rosie Einhorn, a dating coach and psychotherapist in Israel who cofounded Sasson V’Simcha, a nonprofit that serves Jewish singles. 

If you’re more interested in speaking, Devorah suggests finding your niche. Look back into your life and see what has really resonated with you, or think about the pain and challenges you’ve faced and what you can take from them that would help someone else. “My difficult journey to meeting my soulmate definitely prepared me to give women encouragement and advice through this process,” she explains. “Then there’s the financial debacle we went through. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, but now I can help others through similar situations. You can give meaning to the pain you’ve gone through by using those struggles to help another person.”

Devorah builds all her work on this message. She encourages her students to examine their own spiritual toolbox, see what talents Hashem gave them and then go use them for good.

At the end of our conversation, she mentions that she listened to an interview with Slovie Jungreis Wolff, a speaker herself and daughter of the renowned Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, a”h who was a mentor of Devorah’s. During the talk, Slovie tells a story of how her students would always ask her to write a book of her teachings. She went to her mother and said she didn’t know how to write a book, thinking it was a ridiculous idea. “Rebbetzin Jungreis said to her, ‘If you have a dream, don’t be afraid,’” Devorah notes, alluding to her own journey. “’You just have to start doing and Hashem will help you be successful.”

If you want to get in contact with Devorah, visit devorahkigel.com or find her on Facebook as Devorah Rose Kigel. You can also find Devorah on YouTube, Instagram and LinkedIn. To listen to a sampling of Devorah’s classes, click here.

_{*NOTE: This does not apply to all marriages or circumstances. If you are in a similar situation, please discuss this with your rabbi.} 

1. Make a deal-breaker list. You might already be familiar with this way of organizing your thoughts on an ideal mate, but Devorah explains that sometimes people make the mistake of listing their preferences rather than actual deal-breakers. “We want to distinguish between needs and wants,” she says. “These have to be things that are crucial for my happiness.” 
   
   If you’ve never made one, or are looking to refine your existing document, her advice is to think about your family upbringing, what your parents were like—specifically the parent of the opposite gender—and what qualities you did or didn’t like about them. Think about your past relationships or dating history and why you ended things with that person, as well as what was great about them. When doing so, remember that the things you’re picking out are “nonnegotiable,” she says. 
   
   Choose 6-10 items that are either things he has to have and/or things he absolutely cannot have. The list could be all positive, all negative, or a mix. “I look at this list as if you have an allergy to the things on it,” she explains. “Like, this drives me so crazy, I get hives.”
   
   This task is crucial in her work, she says, because after a date, you can go back and find your center—making sure you’re basing your decision on the core of a person rather than being swayed by chemistry or swag. Or, maybe as you’re starting to date, and you’re not sure about one of the items, you can mark that as something to explore more on the next date. “It keeps us very focused on what is important for you as an individual,” Devorah explains. “You can also then tangibly see if he’s a match for what you’re looking for.”

2. Determine your attraction. Thinking your husband is cute is not a cherry on top. It’s important to marry someone you’re attracted to, Devorah says. Keep in mind, though, that this attraction is often based on more than just the physical. For women especially, it can grow as you get to know the person.
   
   If the feeling is wavering, Devorah will ask her client if there was a time when she was more drawn to him. Maybe she’ll share that, yes, during a deeper conversation she felt more attraction. “I’ll suggest that on the next few dates she should try to go back to that deeper conversation piece, open up and be more vulnerable,” Devorah says. “Suddenly, he looks cuter because they’re emotionally connecting.” Devorah goes on to explain that we often have a picture in our head of the type of person we’re going to marry, but we have to be open to Hashem putting our bashert (soulmate) in a package that we may not have expected. 
   
   She also advises not discounting your potential suitor even if it seems to be taking a while to get there. “I’ve had girls ready to break up with their now husbands, who they’re happily married to, after date two, three, four, five, six, seven, maybe even longer because of that attraction piece,” she explains. “If you’re not feeling fireworks or movie-like sparks, you should still give it a chance. It can really just take time with more emotional connectedness. Mr. Pareve (neutral) will eventually get to yes or no if you give it long enough.”
   
   Finally, she explains that you don’t need physical contact to determine your attraction, often a common misconception in the secular world. In the religious world, shomer negia, or refraining from touching the other gender, is practiced until marriage. “You don’t need to test drive the merchandise,” she says, smiling. “If the attraction is there, the physical chemistry will follow.”
   
   “We often have a picture in our head of the type of person we’re going to marry, but we have to be open to Hashem putting our bashert in a package that we may not have expected.”
   
   
3. Notice your excitement level. Devorah always asks her clients if they miss the person they’re dating when he’s not around. “If you’ve been dating someone for two months and then he goes on a two-week business trip and you couldn’t care less, that’s not a good sign,” she says. 
   
   “Facetime or Zoom isn’t the same. If you really miss being in his presence, that’s a good indication.” Also make sure you’re looking forward to the dates. It’s normal to be nervous in the beginning, but if you have a pit in your stomach each date as things go on, that can be problematic. 
   
   
4. Respect. This is a big one. Many Jewish sources, including the Rambam*, point out that respect is one of the most important things men need in a marriage. Devorah agrees, saying mutual respect is a crucial component, but also clarifies that it doesn’t mean you have to love every single trait of your potential suitor. Respecting the general core of who he is as a person, feeling like he is a good man and someone you can rely on, that’s what you’re looking for overall.
   

“We often have a picture in our head of the type of person we’re going to marry, but we have to be open to Hashem putting our bashert in a package that we may not have expected.”

Devorah Kigel

5. Focus on your friendship. Pay attention to how things are when you’re together. Do you feel like you could just sit around and do nothing with this person? 
   
   Devorah recalls her own experience when she was dating a man who was well-off and whisked her away to Broadway shows, museums and fancy restaurants. “After a month of dating, I wasn’t sure if I liked him or Manhattan,” she explains with a laugh. “I realized that it was actually Manhattan.” 
   
   While fun dates are great, she urges couples to go on hikes or just a walk in the park, to make sure you can really focus on the person. “Marriage involves a lot of mundane, with things like the mortgage, bills, diapers, budgeting, chores, etc.; you have to have fun with this person doing that.“
   
   
6. Compare your goals and values. This one may feel like a given because it’s so crucial to who you each are, but it’s important to actively identify these pieces to determine if you and your potential partner are a winning pair. You need to have a similar picture of what you want a successful life to look like—both Jewishly and otherwise—in order to make it work. Devorah suggests asking your date questions (and answering the same for yourself) such as, “What does Shabbat look like for you? What are your financial expectations and goals? What type of community do you want to live in? What types of schools would you want your children to go to?” Getting more specific will help you target these big-picture topics in a more granular way.
   
   
7. Is he your go-to? Lastly, it’s important to notice how he starts to appear in your life. If you have a hard day, is he the one you want to call? Or, if you see something funny, do you want to share it with him? 
   
   “Right now, that person might be your mom, sister or best friend,” Devorah says. “But as your relationship progresses, emotional intimacy should, too, where he becomes someone you want to share that with.”

Want more from Devorah? Click here for a full interview with her.

_{*Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon (1135-1204), commonly known as Maimonides, is one of the most prolific and influential Torah scholars of all time. His work is still widely studied today.}