Confidence is a muscle — one that ideally grows over time. It’s often a daily challenge and lifelong process. For many, it needs to be taught, learned and worked on regularly.
There are so many reasons one might struggle with confidence. Maybe a woman came from a difficult home, maybe she was bullied in school or maybe someone she met made a few mean comments and they stuck. Unfortunately, negativity can come from anywhere and stay around longer than anything positive. Even those who grew up in idyllic homes may still struggle based on societal influences or difficulties with friendships.
That’s what Amanda Thum, 28, founder of The Confidence Class, is working hard to reverse. She’s determined to give women and young girls a real sense of self-worth that exudes from the inside out.
Self-esteem and healthy confidence can only be beneficial — both for individuals and greater society. This idea is brought out in Jewish sources as well.
Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski, a Chassidic rabbi and psychiatrist, wrote over 90 books on Judaism and self-help topics, including several on the dangers of low self-esteem. He explained that most of our self-defeating behaviors — such as anxiety, depression and substance abuse — originate from a negative self-image. “I believe that the overwhelming number of psychological problems that are not of physiologic origin are invariably due to low self-esteem, i.e., to a distorted self-concept in which a person grossly underestimates oneself,” he wrote in an essay on TorahWeb.org.
With a background in yoga and meditation, Amanda uses mindfulness, affirmations, intentional yoga postures and sequences, writing and speaking prompts, and open discussions in The Confidence Class to engage her students, whether in private one-on-one sessions or as part of a group class.
Amanda’s passion stems from her own challenging journey of finding value within herself. We sat down with this powerhouse woman to talk about The Confidence Class’s origins, how to overcome low self-esteem and what we can do now to foster confidence in ourselves and our relationships.
How did The Confidence Class start? Why is confidence so important to you?
The Confidence Class is what I wish I had had when I was younger. I grew up self-hating and deeply self-conscious. In high school, everything I did was for approval from other people. In my senior year, we had an awards ceremony. I was so excited about it and although I didn’t get the best grades in school, I was super involved in so many other things, like extracurriculars and volunteering. When it came time to hand out the awards, I did receive one, but many people in my class — especially those with higher grades — got multiple awards. I felt devastated by this; it was painful, but this was also the moment I started to realize how much I relied on external validation. I had worked my entire high school career to win that approval from others and here I didn’t get it back.
“I had worked my entire high school career to win that approval from others and here I didn’t get it back.”
A few years later, in 2013, I was a senior at Barnard College and had entered a speaking competition that fall. I had a passion for public speaking and, intuitively, was drawn to the subject of positive self-talk and body image. I couldn’t believe it, but I won. That really got the wheels in my head turning, trying to figure out how I could continue to get the messages of positive thinking out into the universe.
Up until this point, my self-hate and insecurity ran very deep. I had such a low sense of self-worth. I would get a notion that I wasn’t liked by someone else at school, or I was struggling at home with my parents and that would really affect me. I was just so reliant on others for my own wellbeing.
Looking back, I really see how much those thoughts came from not liking myself and seeking that constant validation from others. For some reason, even though I wasn’t always religious, I always believed in G-d. One day in high school, around the time of that awards ceremony, I was truly at my lowest. I was hysterically crying in my parents’ home, and started talking to Hashem. I said to Him, “I believe that You’re here with me and that You want me around. Show me how to move forward.” I really believe Hashem helped me turn things around in that moment.
Because of that, I am so passionate about making sure women and girls do like themselves, and if they don’t, figuring out the root cause so they can overcome it and get there.
How did you continue to work to overcome your own self-hate and get out of that negative headspace?
It really comes down to a combination of listening to my own instinct and practicing positive self-talk. When I was at Barnard — and in high school — I was struggling. I went through a breakup and had general growing pains that you go through in that stage of life. I went to therapy for the first time, which was a huge catalyst for me in mental wellness. Then, one day, I just felt like I needed to meditate. I didn’t even know what meditation was, but my body was telling me to do it, so I did.
After that, I wanted to learn more about meditation. One day, I was Googling around and a quote from the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön popped up on someone’s website. The quote was, “When everything falls apart and we feel uncertainty, disappointment, shock, embarrassment, what’s left is a mind that is clear, unbiased, and fresh.” It really resonated with me — I had never read anything like this before. I wasn’t observant yet, but it struck a chord with me spiritually. I immediately got the book and read it and was blown away by the concepts inside. Even though it’s not a Jewish book, I believe everything comes from Torah.
The book really showed me that the power of a true yoga practice and breath work has the capacity to help create and cultivate a clear mind. We can establish that within ourselves. I realized I don’t need to run from my pain and every moment — even within that pain — is a moment to choose joy. Even when I’m crying or in a storm, I can choose how I want to be in that storm. I really believe that everything that is happening to us is happening for us. If we’re in the middle of a divorce, or a health challenge, or an argument with a friend, it’s there to help us grow. I remember being in one of the lowest points in my life and felt so much pain, yet I was talking to Hashem through it. I can be hurt, yet, at the same time, know that the hurt is for my benefit. Knowing that what you’re going through is orchestrated by Hashem is something that creates joy.
“Knowing that what you’re going through is orchestrated by Hashem is something that creates joy.”
The book went along those lines, sharing that pain is inevitable and we’re all scared of feeling it. “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest,” another quote in that book reads. This book taught me how to work through that pain and create a different narrative. I still reference it frequently.
Can you speak more about your Jewish journey? Where are you at now and how did you get there?
My earliest memory of feeling Hashem’s presence was when I was seven. My family went to a conservative shul in Brooklyn, and while I was there davening—yes, even at seven—I had a very intense moment of elation. It was a clarity where I recognized that I wasn’t just talking to the air. I didn’t even like my synagogue or Hebrew school, but I had that experience.
Since then, I’ve always felt that Hashem was so clearly orchestrating my life, even in the hard moments. In college, I got involved with the Maimonides program, which is an Orthodox learning initiative for Jewish students on campuses. I loved the learning. I remember one time, they brought in a Modern Orthodox man to speak to us. He said when his daughter does something wrong, he looks at her and says, “Is this helping you build your relationship with Hashem?” It wasn’t about trying to please her parents, it was about her relationship with G-d. That really flipped my perspective.
I went to Israel a few times while I was in college. One time was on a Jewish learning program where we took classes at Neve Yerushalayim. On that program, we each had to choose a topic to learn more about. I chose lashon hara (derogatory speech), something I was so passionate about even then. When we control our mouths, it creates such a higher level of self-respect. When we have more self-confidence, we don’t feel the need to speak about others.
In 2014, I graduated college and was working in the corporate world in New York City. I became a bit out of touch with Yiddishkeit (Judaism) at that time and was also having a hard time in the city. I had visited Hawaii for 10 days after my college graduation, and when I was there, I felt like I was meant to be there. So, in December 2015, I quit my job and moved to Hawaii.
A friend connected me to the Chabad in Hawaii, and I started to reconnect to the Judaism I loved so deeply. It was a transformative time for me in so many ways. I was going to sleep at nine and waking up with the sun. In retrospect, I see Hashem needed me there. Religion didn’t come easily there; I needed to seek it. I was a big fish in a small pond, versus the other way around, and I learned that I do very well in that type of environment.
Then, when I was almost 24, I decided I wanted to go to seminary to learn more. It really came from this unexplainable innate desire. I went to Midreshet Rachel V’Chaya in Jerusalem, where a few of my friends were at the time.
After that, over the last four years I’ve been through various ups and downs, but my love for Hashem has continued to grow and flourish. I now live in Philly — I moved because I was ready for a more robust Jewish community, yet I didn’t want to go back to New York City — and have become really close with the Chabad here as well. I am really passionate about the Rebbe’s mission, directives and outlook on the world. I learned Chabad is who I am.
That is so special. What do you love about Chabad?
First and foremost is the concept of the mind running the heart. The heart must not run the show. We have a heart for a reason, but the mind has to make decisions. In today’s society, we often hear the expression, “Listen to your heart,” or in dating, “If he makes you happy, that’s all that matters.” That’s not at all what I believe. That can often lead to a lot of difficulties down the road. Your decisions should come from a clear place.
The Rebbe was also an unbelievable man. I could read stories of the advice people got from him all day long. Everyone was his son or daughter, and it is so obvious to me that he wasn’t merely a great man — he had this inner knowledge and foresight about every single person who came his way.
Then, there’s the joy of Judaism Chabad has. Being a Jew is a joyful experience and a total gift and that’s how we should live. Growing up as a conservative Jew, I got the message that being a Jew is hard, and as a kid, I didn’t like being Jewish. I didn’t like the way that I was different from other people. I look back and realize I always had such an opportunity to be a light for other people. I really do believe this is the best and most meaningful way to live a life.
“I look back and realize I always had such an opportunity to be a light for other people.”
I’ve learned the Chassidic concept from the Tanya—the main work of Chabad philosophy written by Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, the founder of Chabad Chassidism—that everything is ultimately good. That doesn’t mean that there’s a silver lining in everything or we can see or feel it as good, but everything in Hashem’s Divine plan is somehow perfect and is happening exactly the way Hashem knows it needs to happen. Knowing that and living with that trust changed my life. It leads directly into gratitude because no matter what is happening, I will just immediately say, “Thank You, Hashem.”
Finally, Chabad has taught me that wherever you are, you can be a leader. I’m a nonconformist, and I’ve learned that I thrive in a smaller community. Chabad families often live in communities where there aren’t so many Jews. Instead of only living with people who look and act like you, it’s the opposite. Chabad shluchim (emissaries) are very strong and confident in their frumkeit (observance) and go out into the world and will work to bring light to even three Jews. One day, I hope to become a leader where I live and work on something that’s just starting. I want to live like I’m a shaliach (emissary) everywhere I go — to leave everything better than I found it.
Can you share more about what specifically The Confidence Class entails? How is it structured?
I offer both group classes and individual sessions. When it’s a group class, it’s very structured, but when it’s one-on-one, it really depends on the student. In a group, we start with meditation and affirmations. Then, we go into a physical practice. In between the physical practice, now that the body is more open, we do an open discussion with writing and speaking prompts. For example, I’ll have the students make a list of the meanest things they’ve told themselves. Then, I’ll have them write the kindest things. I will kick things off and share things about myself, and then, through that, people start opening up. Once I start, you can sense the transparency and honesty in the room—through that, students usually begin to share thoughts and encouragement with each other and a little community begins to form. By communicating, everyone can let out whatever is inside of them out. At the end of the class, we repeat the physical practice and have a closing meditation.
In individual sessions, I generally recommend students do four to five sessions with a week or so in between. That being said, someone did just one class with me. We met for 2.5 hours and did very little physical movement. It was uniquely tailored to her and she still tells me about the benefits of that one practice, months later.
In terms of topics, one woman might say she’s experiencing body hatred, so we’ll focus on that. Another woman might come to me and say her daughter is struggling with speaking up in class, so those are very different things. I focus it on their specific issue, but I always use a combination of five different tools — physical postures, meditation, affirmation, writing and speaking prompts, and open discussion.
How did you learn how to teach it?
I studied religion at Barnard, and through that, I got a classroom education on how to encourage women to use their voice for good. I learned how to be a supportive and engaged listener. After that, I trained to become a yoga teacher. When I was in Hawaii, after teaching hundreds of classes, I noticed that yoga is often centered on things like mindfulness, self-honesty and character refinement, which are Torah concepts. I knew that women and girls could really use these ideas, especially to better their relationship with themselves. So, I decided to offer a class called “Yoga for Confidence.” That turned into The Confidence Class. I combined my yoga teacher training with everything else I’ve learned and continue to learn and put it into the interactive class.
Why do you think so many people have issues with confidence today?
Unfortunately, I believe many people are not really given resources and tools to build healthy relationships with themselves from a young age. That’s what The Confidence Class is working to do. Sometimes, people are shown that their value comes from the college they get into or don’t, or if they’re married by a certain age, or what job they have. While that is totally fabricated by society, oftentimes we give our power and confidence muscle to these outside sources, and then that muscle becomes very weak because it’s dependent on other people. If people are complimenting me, I’m going to feel amazing. If my boss is telling me I’m doing a great job, then I’m going to feel good. We’re giving our power over to other humans, who are just like you and me. So then, what happens on a day that they don’t validate us? Can you still stand on your own and say, “It’s okay, I still like myself and I believe I’m doing a good job”? It’s hard to do.
So, how can we help ourselves? And how can parents and caregivers work to prevent this from happening to their children?
My number one tip for parents, teachers or anyone raising and working with a child is to change the validation story when they see a child looking for it. I’m a former preschool teacher — when I first got to Philly, I worked at the Chabad preschool for two years. One year, I had a student who would often come up to me and show me his artwork. I could sense that he was actually constantly seeking compliments and external validation. Some people might call it seeking “attention.”
The head teacher I worked under really loved the Conscious Discipline method of teaching. We did a training while I was there to be able to implement it in the classroom. The one foundational concept of that method is that a child is never seeking attention. A child is only ever seeking connection. That single message altered the way I see all relationships.
So, in the example with this child, when he came over to me to show me his drawing, I didn’t want to just perpetuate the external validation he craved. Instead of just giving a general compliment, I sat down with him and specifically addressed something about the art that I liked. I wouldn’t just say that it was beautiful. I would say, “I love how you did this color over here or there,” or “Wow, it looks like you really spent a lot of time on this.” We created a conversation about what he created that wasn’t about the finished product; it was about the process and what went into producing the product.
Other times, I would work with the child to compliment him or herself, so they could get used to hearing positive words from within. I would turn it back around and say, “How did you feel making this? What do you love about it?” I might give him ideas and say, “If I were you, I would feel proud of myself.” Over time, through these conversations, a child can learn to feel proud of him or herself and grow up hearing positivity from his own inner being.
It’s a really great way to re-parent the child in all of us as well. Looking back, I realize I was so “attention-seeking,” but through this work, I see I just wanted connection, and it helped me feel so much compassion and love for my inner child.
Where does your own spiritual connection to confidence come from?
The Confidence Class is not inherently Jewish in that you don’t have to be Jewish to take it, but when I do work with a Jewish girl or group, I naturally incorporate Torah teachings into the work. I help them realize they’re a vessel for their G-d-given talents and skills. I tell the women and girls, “Doubting yourself is doubting your Creator.” I first heard this quote from Gedale Fenster, a Jewish teacher and motivational speaker. Hashem has put certain qualities and skills into you — and only you. If He made you exactly this way, then you are exactly who you need to be.
I will tell a girl, “Okay, you are Rochel, you’re not meant to be Tzivi. Maybe you love Tzivi, but you are not her, and you weren’t meant to be her. If you were meant to be her, you would be her. There is only one of you and you have a unique purpose to bring out into this world.” I feel strongly that through self-kindness, women and girls will be much kinder to each other as well. In order for women to support each other, they first need to support themselves.
For more information from Amanda, or to book The Confidence Class for yourself or a group, visit theconfidenceclass.com.
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