How to Know If You’re Dating The One

Religious or not, figuring out if the person you’re dating is the one might be life’s biggest decision. While some people know right away, others need a little coaching in order to feel confident moving forward one way or the other. Dating expert Devorah Kigel advises women on this every day. According to Devorah, the baseline factors are that he should be growth-oriented and have a good heart, but there are many other elements beyond those when trying to figure things out. Here, she shares a few guidelines to help you make sure you don’t say “yes” to Mr. Wrong or “no” to Mr. Right.

1. Make a deal-breaker list. You might already be familiar with this way of organizing your thoughts on an ideal mate, but Devorah explains that sometimes people make the mistake of listing their preferences rather than actual deal-breakers. “We want to distinguish between needs and wants,” she says. “These have to be things that are crucial for my happiness.” 
   
   If you’ve never made one, or are looking to refine your existing document, her advice is to think about your family upbringing, what your parents were like—specifically the parent of the opposite gender—and what qualities you did or didn’t like about them. Think about your past relationships or dating history and why you ended things with that person, as well as what was great about them. When doing so, remember that the things you’re picking out are “nonnegotiable,” she says. 
   
   Choose 6-10 items that are either things he has to have and/or things he absolutely cannot have. The list could be all positive, all negative, or a mix. “I look at this list as if you have an allergy to the things on it,” she explains. “Like, this drives me so crazy, I get hives.”
   
   This task is crucial in her work, she says, because after a date, you can go back and find your center—making sure you’re basing your decision on the core of a person rather than being swayed by chemistry or swag. Or, maybe as you’re starting to date, and you’re not sure about one of the items, you can mark that as something to explore more on the next date. “It keeps us very focused on what is important for you as an individual,” Devorah explains. “You can also then tangibly see if he’s a match for what you’re looking for.”

2. Determine your attraction. Thinking your husband is cute is not a cherry on top. It’s important to marry someone you’re attracted to, Devorah says. Keep in mind, though, that this attraction is often based on more than just the physical. For women especially, it can grow as you get to know the person.
   
   If the feeling is wavering, Devorah will ask her client if there was a time when she was more drawn to him. Maybe she’ll share that, yes, during a deeper conversation she felt more attraction. “I’ll suggest that on the next few dates she should try to go back to that deeper conversation piece, open up and be more vulnerable,” Devorah says. “Suddenly, he looks cuter because they’re emotionally connecting.” Devorah goes on to explain that we often have a picture in our head of the type of person we’re going to marry, but we have to be open to Hashem putting our bashert (soulmate) in a package that we may not have expected. 
   
   She also advises not discounting your potential suitor even if it seems to be taking a while to get there. “I’ve had girls ready to break up with their now husbands, who they’re happily married to, after date two, three, four, five, six, seven, maybe even longer because of that attraction piece,” she explains. “If you’re not feeling fireworks or movie-like sparks, you should still give it a chance. It can really just take time with more emotional connectedness. Mr. Pareve (neutral) will eventually get to yes or no if you give it long enough.”
   
   Finally, she explains that you don’t need physical contact to determine your attraction, often a common misconception in the secular world. In the religious world, shomer negia, or refraining from touching the other gender, is practiced until marriage. “You don’t need to test drive the merchandise,” she says, smiling. “If the attraction is there, the physical chemistry will follow.”
   
   “We often have a picture in our head of the type of person we’re going to marry, but we have to be open to Hashem putting our bashert in a package that we may not have expected.”
   
   
3. Notice your excitement level. Devorah always asks her clients if they miss the person they’re dating when he’s not around. “If you’ve been dating someone for two months and then he goes on a two-week business trip and you couldn’t care less, that’s not a good sign,” she says. 
   
   “Facetime or Zoom isn’t the same. If you really miss being in his presence, that’s a good indication.” Also make sure you’re looking forward to the dates. It’s normal to be nervous in the beginning, but if you have a pit in your stomach each date as things go on, that can be problematic. 
   
   
4. Respect. This is a big one. Many Jewish sources, including the Rambam*, point out that respect is one of the most important things men need in a marriage. Devorah agrees, saying mutual respect is a crucial component, but also clarifies that it doesn’t mean you have to love every single trait of your potential suitor. Respecting the general core of who he is as a person, feeling like he is a good man and someone you can rely on, that’s what you’re looking for overall.
   

“We often have a picture in our head of the type of person we’re going to marry, but we have to be open to Hashem putting our bashert in a package that we may not have expected.”

Devorah Kigel

5. Focus on your friendship. Pay attention to how things are when you’re together. Do you feel like you could just sit around and do nothing with this person? 
   
   Devorah recalls her own experience when she was dating a man who was well-off and whisked her away to Broadway shows, museums and fancy restaurants. “After a month of dating, I wasn’t sure if I liked him or Manhattan,” she explains with a laugh. “I realized that it was actually Manhattan.” 
   
   While fun dates are great, she urges couples to go on hikes or just a walk in the park, to make sure you can really focus on the person. “Marriage involves a lot of mundane, with things like the mortgage, bills, diapers, budgeting, chores, etc.; you have to have fun with this person doing that.“
   
   
6. Compare your goals and values. This one may feel like a given because it’s so crucial to who you each are, but it’s important to actively identify these pieces to determine if you and your potential partner are a winning pair. You need to have a similar picture of what you want a successful life to look like—both Jewishly and otherwise—in order to make it work. Devorah suggests asking your date questions (and answering the same for yourself) such as, “What does Shabbat look like for you? What are your financial expectations and goals? What type of community do you want to live in? What types of schools would you want your children to go to?” Getting more specific will help you target these big-picture topics in a more granular way.
   
   
7. Is he your go-to? Lastly, it’s important to notice how he starts to appear in your life. If you have a hard day, is he the one you want to call? Or, if you see something funny, do you want to share it with him? 
   
   “Right now, that person might be your mom, sister or best friend,” Devorah says. “But as your relationship progresses, emotional intimacy should, too, where he becomes someone you want to share that with.”

Want more from Devorah? Click here for a full interview with her.

_{*Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon (1135-1204), commonly known as Maimonides, is one of the most prolific and influential Torah scholars of all time. His work is still widely studied today.}